Take small steps – modern day dating

In a whirlwind of modern dating, where stories of meeting someone often resemble another one of those poorly produced Netflix movies, it’s just natural that you find yourself increasingly more tired and pessimistic with the idea of another  “coffee date”  ..

What is it going to be this time? An awkward silence, an interview style questions, zero attraction or tiring conversation that lacks passion?!

It wasn’t great, but you agree to go on a second date, because maybe he or she was nervous and we shouldn’t dismiss someone, because the first date wasn’t amazing fireworks!

You keep swiping, because whilst your Instagram dating coaches say that “good things take time” there are multiple more, potentially better options. Just like a dopamine filled tiktok scroll, dating apps provide endless people to choose from. There is always more!

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So It’s (almost unbelievably) rare when comes along someone with whom the conversation just flows, there is physical attraction and excitement. You don’t want for that date to end.

You move through subjects and emotions with so much ease. You barely know each other, but you feel so familiar.

Your mind and body merges, effortlessly.

There is a sense of disbelief, because here he is – that seemingly impossible person, who checks so many of your boxes (Please don’t shrug your shoulders when I talk about “the check-list”- it’s important to recognize that we all have very different values, and defining that, which we value most, will significantly help you to avoid terrible mismatch).

Kind, thoughtful, funny, generous, loving, and intelligent.

You just want to dive all in!

Like a refreshing shower after a hot summer day in a big city. You want to be submerged by the water.

But you can’t.

Because you carry with yourself all those little and not so little traumas. Rejection, toxicity, a sense of being misunderstood, feeling like you are too much or perhaps not enough.

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We fear being hurt again, we project the past patterns to the future possibilities.

Perhaps more than anything, we fear being ourselves.

Because somewhere, along the way, through all those failed dating attempts, where we have been judged, we have been used, we have been misunderstood, we have been left wondering “what happened” and “what did I do”, we have lost confidence to be ourselves.

Someone might have told you that you have little excess weight, so you are self-aware of what you wear and what you order for dinner. What will he think if I have a dessert?

Someone might have told you that you are being too emotional, so you pause yourself before you say how you feel. What if he thinks I’m too much?

Someone might have promised you’ll meet again, but they ignore your messages and disappear. What if they are lying about how they feel?

You come in with your past experiences, your luggage that carries so much more than change of clothes. Colliding with a person who has those same stories. Just different.

Every single one of us do.

What separates us is our self-awareness, our ability to internalize what happened, and learn from the past mistakes.

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Metaphorically speaking, we tip-toe around the minefield of broken glass fragments that is our own heart and the heart of the person we are interacting with.

How do we continue to move forward after continuous disappointing and heartbreaking attempts to connect with someone ?

You must be really brave, as you walk through fragments of broken glass.

Brave to honestly express your fears, brave to honestly share your expectations, brave to admit to yourself how incredibly uncomfortable is this contradicting feeling and desire to be close to someone, yet run away when that someone comes close.

Take small steps, small steps.

You are not just looking to be accepted for the fact that you are a terrible shower singer or get emotional for little things, or sometimes like to be silly and childish, or perhaps struggle with irrational fears, past traumas or managing emotions.  

You are looking for someone to merge a life with.

Who is that person for whom and with whom you will be willing to make sacrifices, and take one step forward or one step back, even though you have been standing comfortably rooted in that spot, where your life is happening?

You are looking for a person with whom you will have to agree on a movie choice for Sunday evening, on the holiday destination for summer.

You are looking for someone with whom you will have to find a place you both feel excited and happy to call home (this adds to the complexity of forming a relationship, because more likely than not, we fall in love with someone who doesn’t live in the same city).

You are looking for a person with whom you might have children with, and how will you agree on the parenting, the roles you take, and support you can give to each other.

Blue eyes, beautiful smiles and butterflies only take you so far.

Romantic movies don’t suggest any real life advise that helps maneuvering the complexity of partnership, they all end right after the “I choose you” – the happy ending is actually just the beginning. A mountain, a track, a trip two people embark on.

It’s tiring and statistically speaking, it’s a very bad investment (around 50% of marriages end up in divorce) but 80% of those people re-marry within 3 years..

There is also a lot of research data that shows people in romantic relationships live longer lives.  

We can’t escape the innate human nature – the longing to connect.

So I hope you don’t settle, and don’t give up on the search for your life partner.

There will be doubts, fears, a sense of unease when someone good comes along.

I hope you are brave when that time comes, I hope both of you are.

To be vulnerable, to be honest, to believe in what you once believed in, again.  

Take small steps.