How can we explain the human connection ?
How is it that one person you meet might feel dull and tiring after an hour conversation and then someone else makes you lose all track of time.
This is a story of (my personal) romantic relationship endeavor.
I recently (re)-entered the world of dating apps, and in stead of investing all the time and hopes in one person (idealizing them, getting excited and building future in my own head) this time I approached it very differently.
I would never define myself as a player, but admittedly I created rules by which I played. Swipe, match, say Hey and immediately try to organize a coffee or a lunch date. Have no expectations or excitement that this guy with the cute photos and assuring and inspiring profile info might be The One!
If things go well, organize a second date, but continue swiping for more options.
I understand, as I type out these rules of mine, that I sound very cynical, but I learned from past years experience that my romantic being has no place in the dating app algorithm.
It was time to change things up!
I found myself in conversations so boring, I could only compare it to a really bland steamed vegetable meal - you do (eat) it because it's healthy and you have to do it, but there is no flavor to it.
I found myself in interesting conversations about culture differences, food and travel - all of the subjects that I am deeply passionate about, but yet the conversation lacked passion.
I even found myself in some what of a "future wife recruitment" where I was asked how many soups I can make, and what kind of a mother I would like to be.
Not to say these are not important questions, but given the context, it just felt bizarre and left me with an eye-roll, and quite frankly a very funny story to tell my friends and other dates.
Eventually I had to have a serious conversation with myself to understand what is it that I am looking for, because some of these guys were great "on the paper" - the qualities and looks that would seem like a catch, but I couldn't even bear the idea of a second date.
How much should I force myself to eat the bland vegetable meal?
And how do I look and find a genuine, intimate, passionate human connection?
I didn't find the answer in the conversation I had with myself, but soon I experienced that there is a "special, secret ingredient" that can't be defined. That is what you need.
I found myself colliding with a wonderful man on a sunny Sunday afternoon - what started out as one of those no excitement, no expectation dates, ended up being a 13 hour conversation that had to be paused. While it felt that the World had stopped for the day, the time had kept going and the next day's commitments required at least a few hours of sleep.
There it is, I thought to myself! The completely unexplainable secret ingredient that makes genuine human connection so special and so very rare to come by.
You can't put it in words, you can't put it in writing, you can't classify it as you do with the eye colour, their job title or whatever else is in your check-list of a desired future partner.
There is a framework that we create for ourselves to help us "find what we are looking for".
But without the secret ingredient the man/woman who looks like "everything you dreamed of" might feel like a fiction character from a movie.
They are smart, funny, cute, but you can't connect.
What is my biggest learning I can share with you ?!
The secret ingredient is like the whipped cream of your cake.
It's what makes it extraordinary, but it doesn't make the cake.
Does your values align? How do you envision your life in 5-10 years from now? How about your finances, your definition of home, your ability to be flexible, your view on roles and are you able to support each other in those roles you want for each other ?
What can you add to the cake of your life and what would you want the other person to add?
Have your check-list, but be open to reviewing it, to be flexible with that framework and the vision you had for yourself. How and where you make your cake is important, but sometimes we hold too tightly on the desired outcome.
We fear uncertainty in every area of life.
I hope you are courageous to dive right into it!
I think that only the brave ones get to enjoy the whipped cream cake :)
I am well aware that the dating game rules, the food reference, the secret ingredient all takes away from the romantic movies that I so much loved and aspired to live through.
However, growing older means getting little wiser and changing the way we look at things, and changing what we look for.
A genuine human connection!
I wanted to share my personal experience, hoping that it offers a different view-point to some of you.
You don't have to be cynical to find love, but a little "cheat-sheet" can go a long way to make the best cake of your life!
Good luck, baker !
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